Only In Vegas

I've often wondered when you werent by my side
who exactly it is you are sitting next to
who youre thinking of
because im sure its not me.

i wish i could make you happy like the open road

boy you kissed me lips
and ran your hands over vallies that haven't been explored in ages,
and your hands did rest on small mountains
and your beauty soaked desert lands

so what can i do
to have those nights again,
i lost the only thing i've held on to
i lost the stars tonight
i cant see past the clouds.

tomorrow
i'll see you again angel
i'll see that smile and i'll see you play your songs
maybe you'll look at me
and deserts will be rained on
maybe
we could go take a nap in the van
just like you offered the second time
i saw you play.

maybe
one day you'll look at me and think
that i am beautiful
not as beautiful as you
maybe one day you'll reach out to me
on tour when you are huge
maybe you'll know one day
how much i love you.

and how i tried tonight
to rope the stars, to draw them d
o
w
n
only to try to paint a picture of you.

I think i have finally wasted all my stars
wishing hard to lay by your side
and all the poetry i wrote for you
flows through my brain
and i've begining to think that you never really liked it anyway.
i missed you when you left
even though it wasn't long
and i cried for you when i slept
because for too many nights
i drepmt of your smile
your touch and your kiss.
i don't understand
how for long i've been blind to the sky
and staring deep into your eyes i didn't see
the smile staring right back at me
for once i'll admit my stupidity
and i will mourn now
because i feel i've wasted every last star
wishing you'd tell me you love me too,
because boy, ive grown so fond of you
and i wish so bad that you were here by me now
to feel how fast my heart races
when i see you're name on the screen.

i've wish for so long
every night waiting for the glimmer of the first star
for you, my dream,
to come and kiss me.

and you did.
and now i feel
as though i've wasted all my stars
wishing for you to be right here, right now.

maybe i should wish on the moon?

I broke a heart the other day
and i really didn't even know what i did
or that anyone even loved me, that doesn't happen often.

there is this boy named george
he and i have been through some stuff together,
he actually reminds me greatly of my old dear friend Lowell.
he wsa great...
back to george ok..
George is a beautiful guy, not so much as physically
he's a teddy bear if you want to run with something cliche and easy as that.
george has seen me often in defferent light than others
he's seen me in ways no one else cares to
So i ran to him with many different things
like if i look better in pink, or in red
and what i should eat for breakfast..
as to why i can't be perfect, or beautiful,
or as adorable as all those pretty girls.
or why, WHY i was chosen to fuck things up
and i've run to him with my bulemia.

I've been depressed lately
not too sure why
but about the same time every single night now
i've been hurting so bad
and i don't really know, and i don't think i want to know, why.
theres no chance for me to drop everything and start over again
although that would be logical, in a way.

i've been getting incredibly mad over the smallest things,
from someone joking with me (about the wrong thing),
up to not being able to find something.
i've been crying myself to sleep every night for the past few months
and i don't deny my recent thoughts,
i think its this house and everyone in it.

i've been losing my thoughts here too
i can't concentrate at work
and i can't think when i try to remember things
i can't remember due dates, birthdays, anniversaries, nothing.
i can hardly remember to answer the phone when it rings,
whats wrong with me?

So i asked george today
whats been bothering him
to hopefully take some of his stress from him
and he said...

He said i was beautiful
a dream to him,
the one hes always wanted
he loses himself into me
he said it kills him
to talk to me when he knows he cant have me
and he says i am something he can never reach

and i have never cried so hard in my life.
i had no idea he was in love with me
sure- we'd say love in a friendly persuasion
i want to scream so loud
i am so worried about him..
i don't know what to do
because my mindis blown
my heart is aching and i can't feel my hands.
my whole body is so numb
and i think i've indefinatly died for sure this time.
i wish my name didnt leave such a bad taste in his mouth
i hope he can live without me
because i can't go back now
its done
and i am offically the worst girl i've ever known.

come back here pretty boy
and kiss my lisp hard
let me taste the color on your tongue
and let me feel you inside my existance
and let me braid you into my soul.
come back and sit on my bed
wear those jeans and the pretty blue shirt
with yello writting
and wrap your arms around me again,
hold me as tight as you can
squeeze my skin and i will bite your neck
with a taste of class and love
i want to feel you boy
inside of my body
i want to love you boy
let me have you now.
come back to my driveway
and come to my door
hesistate for a second
but don't worry, i will never hurt you
be here tonight boy
lay down with me
after practice
after the tour
come stay with me
pretty boy
i want you here
so come back
call this bed your home
i will burn the curtains tonight
so everyone cam see the color inside of you
the passion on our lips
as the moon meets us for a picture
of our second kiss
if i could
i would bookmark our day just now
when you smiled at me
and told me about the past
and the way
my brother just busts up in
with a four legged monster
how i'd die to call him such a pretty four letter name face
so come back here boy
i'll pad lock the door
and open the windows tight
let the street lights scream your name
just like me
when i kiss your lips and bite your neck
you are a beautiful muse
only you could understand these words
and i want you too bad to even explain
i desire your arms and your sweet kiss
all in your pretty name
lust for the darkening sky
our white bodies will shine
and tonight we will be free
swallow the knife and tattoo the nervous wreck
across the the ghosts skin and pray for the night to begin.
i will give you me
in a warm little dimond
and i will love you
even when the rivers run dry
i will enjoy loving you
when we're both gone
so come back pretty boy,
i wish you didn't have to leave my bed
i wish the boys would understand
that i will love you unlike any of them,
and i will be yours, let the sands of time never float past in the wind.
come back pretty boy
kiss my lips
wear those jeans and that pretty blue shirt
let me taste the color on your tongue
and let me braid you into my skin <3

omg jhollywood, you just really don't understand how much i want you, how much you've done for me and how i want to kiss you so bad- just one more time before you go on your tour.
<3 you boy.
foralways

I wrote a song for you
on paper that got a little rain on it
because i wrote it at the bus stop today
and for some reason, it just started pouring down rain

i don't know what it is
that makes me feel so soft in the rain
maybe the way everything is in another light
another light, like the halo around you.
the rain washes away what i'm afraid to say
and i would die just to say this all to you.

hey pretty smile,
i see you brought youre bedroom eyes
not assuming you want too keep them
i second guess you reckon you won't
everything you want is placed in my hands
the screaming, the crying, the smiles and love
and theres nothing to hold you but the flames
let me be that fire.

i sat on this bus
people looking at me like im something strange
who hasnt seen a girl today
with self expression and free range
to write a song for a boy
that she wants to love
more than the stars in the skys and the worlds that collide.

my notebook
stained with tears and rain
i can't tell the difference anymore
its all the same
i fall for you, i take a dive
to kiss your lips again
before the night falls.
maybe you can come stay with me,
i'll have me own place and about 3 weeks.
stay the night,
i'll take you anywhere,
as long as you say i can love you boy
with youre pretty blond hair!

hey pretty smile,
i see you brought youre bedroom eyes
not assuming you want too keep them
i second guess you reckon you won't
everything you want is placed in my hands
the screaming, the crying, the smiles and love
and theres nothing to hold you but the flames
let me be that fire.
<3<3

Last night,
February 19th, 2005. SK net Cafe in Charlotte, NC.

Theres an astronaut on the celing, you're only lookin up
and i m looking at you
in awe, you have such beautiful eyes, im jealous.
you look better in baby blue than i've ever seen anyone in.
and i love it.
so tight on you.
talking to all the pretty girls
i want to sit with you
and hold your hand, but i was scared
of all those pretty girls with pretty eyes,
and long brown hair, i couldn't even compare
but you still stood next to me
with heavy lids and a sweet smile
you grabbed my bum
which i didnt expect
and i laughed with an innocent smile,
but i wanted to bad to take you right there.

the first bands set was done
you jumped quickly to begin unloading the equipment
and i followed you outside
watching the sky
as black as can be- from the city lights
i watched you walk back-n-fourth
carrying heavy things, and i wanted to help you
maybe you could see the way i wanted to

you got on stage
with your crew, austin, chris, andrew,
you played beautifuly the 19th of february-
last night!
and you moved alot more this time
you seemed happier this time
and i was so happy that i could make you mine
pretty boy, i loved the way you looked that night
in tight pants and a hot blue shirt
and i loved the way you looked at me
out of the corner of your eye
playing a set- you were so pretty
and time was passing slowly by
it all stopped when i was with you
and i was so happy,
to say that i love being with you

after your set
you carried stuff to the outside
and i was ready to go
for my friend was a bit upset
you told me to wait
at least 10 minutes
2 minutes when by and my friend was in tears
so you walked me to his car,
talking about the tour
you'll be gone for a while
and i'll miss you so
but you'll come back to me
please come soon.
you held me close to you, february 19th, of 2005
and you kisses me soft
under the streetlight
and outside
in the angels light
and i know all the pretty girls would have been jealous,
because you were with me
and you kisses me
and i was in heaven
in your arms.

so pretty boy, tell me
will you be mine?
will you hold me tight
when the statues crumble down?
will you love me, and never break my heart
will you take me to the stars
and sing me a song?

earth to those tired eyes
i wanted you to know
that your voice calms me like the rain
that washes away all my pain.

i wrote a song for you
to play on my piano,
i wrote a song about you boy
in those tight pants
and hot baby blue shirt
and i wrote about how
your lips are so soft
and i want to love you tonight
and forever before you go<3


eye<3youjhollywood!

Only in a city of broke souls
could a new life be born on his lips
he held me
and kissed my forehead (forhead kisses are the greatest!)
he smelled so pretty
and i loved his every move
they way his eyes wondered all over the room
and met mine-
in a perfect perfect 10

boy- you sent me to the heavens with your kiss
and i still taste you on my lips.
i can't wait to see you again
you're the greatest thing that has come to me
and i want to hold you forever-
if you let me.
you're so lovely
and i am so tired
so kiss my lips again
before i say good night
because i have to wake up early
and go work soon, so kiss me hard
and left me sleep by your side.
tonight i am yours
and for ever a side
<3youjhollywood<3

I'm screaming at the screen as though you can hear me
crying dieing just to hear you smile
i can't stand talking to you here of late
theres no reason for me to keep on trying,
im breathing just to hear you happy
and theres no reason for me to help
you stopped caring along time ago
and you stopped loving me alot longer.

my stomach hurts
i can't stand your voice
one day i'll turn around
and i'll forget the color of your eyes.
you were deadly once,
when i met you across the room
you caught me
you were pretty once jerry
when you were drunk and needed help

so i'll turn around
and i'll forget your voice
i'll forget when you called
and the ways i helped you.

i'll never forget the way you cried to me
when your grandmother passed
i'll never forget when you reached out to me
and how i took your hand

So i'll leave now, and i'll find a new place to stay
far from your arms
and the way you scream at me.
i hope things work out for you in the end,
because i'll be gone tomorrow
i'll see jhollywood
and i'll kiss his lips
and i'll know
that its true
and everything is right again,
because his voice calms me like the wind<3

and i;ll never forget the way you pushed me to my fucking knees.

its too early in the morning..
i made myself some hot chocolate, but it didn't have marchmellows..
its cold outside again and i hit the floor with a bang
because hot chocolate without marshmellows reminds me of my dad.
and his big ugly bald head.

Today-
i wore tight jeans today,
not just any tight jeans though
they had tears in the knees
showing off a little skin
they have star patches on my bum to cover the wholes
they're my emo pants.
i wore a tight shirt today
one of those classic, off the shoulder types
that show just enough for anyone to be curious
even the pretty girls.
i wore my hair down today,
thats a feat in itself!
but i had my hair real 50's style
my bangs on top with a little umpf to them, pinned back with a headband with stars on it
it was kinda hot.
i didn't wear a jacket today
it really wasn't all that cold out.
i wore my hemp braclet that Jay made for me a year ago
i miss that kid.
I wore a braclet i made
dedicated to my boys from hot vegas. (<3hotvegas<3) ((especially josh<3<3<3))
i wore my pink chucks today
they have stars drawn all over them
and alot of my friends have signed 'em
taking back sunday did too.
but now, i'm disappointed to look at them
and see that i have blood on them
not real blood though,
its some concoction of GWAR.
probably water and food coloring.
i drove my parents car today, mine is kaput.
i rocked out to the ramones
i was in a good mood.
i rode to charlotte to get my industrial done,
pulled to a stoplight
and my window was down
some boy flashed me a pretty smile
i smiled back, but with that warning that i belong
in the arms of jhollywood.
he revved his engine
so i revved mine.
too bad there was a cop across the intersection.
the light turned green! and off i was
bopping my head to Five Iron Frenzy
because i love the horns
and i can't wait for the ska festival this summer.
anyone else want to go?
I checked my make up in the mirror
bright pink eye shadow
black liquid liner,
perfectly in place
just a little lip gloss
enough to make me kissable
incase maybe i saw my jhollywood.
i looked out my window
only to see
myself in the reflection
and it hurt to see
an eyelash on my perfect skin
and i couldnt wait to get to immortal to see
exactly who i am
and who i could be.
so i drove longer, on the rode listening to random cds
watching the road
and the clouds float on by
and i saw a raindrop hit my windshield
and a tear ran down my cheak
messing up my mascara
i really should get some waterproof mascara..
and better hairspray... my face just hit the floor and i am gone.


And i break when i look in the mirror in the morning
i am not pretty at all
i am 5'3
i weigh more than i should
and i am bulimic.
i am unclean
i cover up my freckles with make up
that i swore i'd never use
the kids in highschool
always said i wasn't worth the trouble
if getting up in the morning
because i used to rock a lunch box
and say "psyche" a lot
i was always stuck in the 80's
wearing my clothes in cut off fashion
with a rockabilly kiss
i used to be emo
i used to cry all the time
about all the smallest things
but mainly because i wasn't pretty enough
to really fit in.
but thats all behind me now
i work two jobs and i always have bags under my eyes
my hair is always a mess and my lips are dry
haven't had kisses in a long time,
maybe im not ready to be something of our new age time
i though maybe i cleaned up a bit,
with my ripped jeans and shoulder hugging shirt
with stars and stripes
polka dots and checkerboard
maybe my eyes are just to old to see
just where i stuck myself
i swear im right for what i see
but i will see me now
for all the things he thought he saw in me
i am nothing more
than another scene kid passed out drunk on the floor.

What a wonderful day to start a journal on 'eh?
geeezus, i really don't know where to start. or if there is really a reason to? i don't think anyone will care enough to read this. maybe if i make it "look cool" with all kinds of features and whatnot, i'll be cool like the rest and make my entires pop out more...
or maybe thats just not my style.
shit, i don't even know what my style is anymore. alot of people ask me if im "goth" what kind of goth kid wears pink and white on an almost regular basis? honestly... others have asked me if i'm street punk- no, im not street punk, im not emo, im not punk at all.
actually.. my ex boyfriend called me a gutter punk the other day...
fuck him.

i hate people who are so ignorant to call someone by a name that they don't even know the meaning to.
scumbag.

Arg, and my god. Mr.Hollywood...
my god, my dear friends and readers whom i adore for taking time out of your obviously non-busy schedule,
you see, well...
i'll tell you the story.
Monday, january 31st. at the money in Rockhill SC, Hot vegas played with Old Providence and Crimson addict.
Hot Vegas had messaged me on Myspace earlier inviting me out, which i was grateful for, but the reason i had actually planned on going before hand was to see mah boy George play. George is my friend, a really close friend actually, and i miss him alot. If you see him on tour tell 'em what up. (hes with Crimson addict, hes the drummer and a damn good one at that..) ANYWAY, so my ex, corey, and i walk into the money, i, as ususal am out of place, simply because i really don't fit in with the scene kids.
I see this boy walk by with a quick pace.
he was wearing the tightest pants,
an adorable sweater,
he had the hottest blonde hair,
and the most precious smile.
His eyes were absolutly DEADY,
and i was caught in his gaze.

Go ahead, call me cliche and stupid and corney, but this boy had me at his first glance. you just don't understand how strong he held me.
and my gaze broken by Jon Senseless.
DAMN YOU JON SENSELESS.
Arggg!


oh my. It wasn't long before Hot Vegas started to play-
beautiful voice.
beautiful lyrics.
beautiful boy with blond hair.
...oh my gaze falls into his eyes again
and i am in a daze
the night was young!
I HAD A CHANCE!
if only he wasnt hanging on my arm like the lost puppy he is.
Fuck you mr. Adams.

oh pretty boy, My JHollywood, if you ever stumble over this...god i don't know.

I've been talking to my Jhollywood, the beautiful boy with deadly eyes, alot more here of late.
actually, i really like him.
im falling into him, his deadly eyes and perfect gaze....
im falling in love
and i miss his voice so bad right now...
it brings me to tears....

GingrbreadCoffns: Sorry im complaing in my livejournal
Mr Coraemon: You have LJ?
Mr Coraemon: AND Myspace?
Mr Coraemon: Do you have a Xanga too?
Mr Coraemon: ARE YOU AN EMO KID!?
Mr Coraemon: DO YOU CRY ONLINE A LOT!?
Mr Coraemon: ADMIT IT!!!

Ok, I admit it. but whats a Xanga? <3


I love my jhollywood, i wish he were here..